The Middle-of-the-Night Cry Every Mama Needs to Know.
You’ve finally put your head down on your pillow and no sooner than you start to drift off to sleep, your baby starts to cry. Sigh….
Whether your baby has been in bed for one hour or four hours, your first thought is “Why is my baby crying?”.
Whether it happens before or after midnight, or many times throughout the night, you do the same thing. You start going through your mental list of questions:
Or, knowing that babies LOVE their mama, maybe she just wants to be held by you. The thought of this tugs at your heart!
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we knew what those cries meant? Unfortunately, your baby’s one form of communication keeps you confused. You think:
Your list of VERY valid questions could continue!
But there are two definite truths:
After all, you’re a mom because you want to love on your baby. You live for the nurturing moments where nothing else matters but rocking, nursing or simply holding him or her. I’ve said it before and will say it again Always love on your baby! LOVE. ON. YOUR. BABY.
But, the reality is it’s impossible to love on your baby all night long. Not only are you beyond exhausted, your baby isn’t getting quality sleep if she’s crying out for you multiple times a night.
To make matters more complicated, have we even determined why she’s crying yet?
So, what on earth is a parent to do?! Should you feel guilty for silently praying they’ll go back to sleep on their own if you wait a few minutes and let them cry it out? The answer to that is NO and every parent has been there!
You know your baby better than anyone and with time, you’ll definitely know when something is wrong based on your child’s cry just as you learn your child’s cry within a day of being born. It’s your mama instinct.
So, in the meantime, let’s figure out the middle-of-the-night cry every mama needs to know!
Here are a few tips for out the “why the cry?” riddle:
IS BABY UNDER SIX MONTHS OLD?
Babies typically need at least one nighttime feed until around six months. With small tummies, no solid foods, and milk that digests quickly, we can expect them to be hungry during the night.
TIP: Some babies can sleep all night, but in general, we should expect one waking for feeding during the night.
IS BABY EATING ENOUGH DURING THE DAY?
Once a baby can sleep through the night, it is imperative that we make sure their calories during the day are increased.
Around six months is a great time to begin offering solid foods. Again, do not force foods. Your baby may show no interest and that’s 100% okay! Six months is not a line in the sand of a time to cut night feeds, so don’t feel as though you’re doing something wrong if a night feed is needed beyond six months. Make SURE you talk to your pediatrician to confirm that your baby’s health and weight are appropriate for considering removing night feeds.
TIP: Throw in an extra feed or add an ounce or two to each bottle throughout the day. Be careful to not force milk but know that a baby will compensate for night nutrition during the day and need extra calories.
HOW MUCH IS YOUR BABY EATING?
I’m sure you know this scenario. Less than an hour of being put down, your baby starts crying. You offer food, but she takes a small amount and quickly drifts back off to sleep.
This is a good sign that a baby is feeding for comfort instead of hunger. The calming effect of that small amount of eating was enough to help them relax and get to sleep. A baby who wakes of true hunger will take a reasonable amount of milk, even if not quite as large of an amount as during the day.
IS BABY SLEEPING AT LEAST THREE HOURS AFTER EATING?
A baby who does have a full feed before bed or during the night should be able to sleep 3-4 hours after eating. An average sleep cycle lasts around 45 minutes to an hour (for a six month-old), if you notice your baby waking after that length of time, it’s most likely that food is not the reason. Instead, your baby has most likely become dependent on the soothing and sucking actions of the feed to go to sleep.
TIP: To help rule out hunger even more, try moving the last feeding before bed to the beginning of your bedtime routine. Then, offer an extra top-off feed before bed. This often results in baby taking in extra calories before going to sleep.
DO THEY GO BACK TO SLEEP WITHOUT A FEED?
It’s hard to go to sleep if you’re hungry, even as an adult. Our brains know our bodies need nutrition and will stay alert until that need is met. Only when overly exhausted, will our bodies recognize sleep as a greater need.
With that said, a baby who is truly hungry will not go back to sleep very easily until having that need met. A baby who falls asleep after five or ten minutes, even if crying, most likely wasn’t hungry, but instead looking for help falling back to sleep.
HOW DOES BABY FALL ASLEEP?
Perhaps the most important question, and one that you can easily answer is whether your baby falls asleep on her own? In other words, is your baby rocked, nursed, bounced, held, etc. to fall asleep? OR, can you place your baby in the crib while awake, walk away and have her fall asleep without assistance? If the answer to that last question is a solid “YES,” then your baby most likely needs your help, probably in the form of food.
Why your baby is crying and whether they are hungry isn’t a very easy question to answer. Babies are complicated little creatures. We absolutely have to ensure they are fed and have proper rest. Once your baby has independent sleep skills, determining what a cry means is certainly much easier.
Breaking the habit of feeding to sleep isn’t always easy, but it certainly allows you to feel much more confident that the middle of the night requests are out of genuine need and not just for another minute with mama.
I help parents like you who are 100% committed to the health of their baby and want to meet the needs of both sleep and nutrition in the most gentle, nurturing manner possible.
If you have questions about how to help your child have the quality sleep he or she deserves without sacrificing their nutritional health (or your mental health), let’s talk.
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I am passionate about helping babies and their parents sleep well. If you are reading this because you are a tired, worn down parent, I can relate. I was EXACTLY where you are! Nothing I was trying worked and I had nothing left to give. Then I tried the Sleep Sense Program. Now, our nights are different. My little daughter sleeps all night, or in her words, until “Mr. Sun comes up." Read more about my journey. As your Montgomery Baby Sleep Expert, I can help you have the same success that I experienced.
If you are wondering if you can take another night of little to no sleep, reach out! Contact me and I can help! In fact, I would LOVE to help. I am committed to helping families sleep, not only to educating, but relentlessly supporting you and encouraging you every step of the way. You are NOT alone!
Still on the fence? It costs nothing to share your current situation with me. I’ll gladly give my time and let you know what options we have. On a budget? We can find a solution that will work. BUT, if you decide that you’re not quite ready, I will support your decision wholeheartedly and still cheer you on!
Sleep training with me is about YOUR family. Only you know your family inside and out. No two families are alike, so each step I take with a family is unique. Daycare, workouts, Church, colic, reflux, Autism, and other siblings’ schedules are just a FEW of the things that can shape your plan.
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My Favorite White Noise Machines
The recommended safety level for any sound machine is 50 dB. As a rule of thumb, if you walk out of the room and close the door, you should barely hear the machine. There is a fantastic all called Decibel X that can help you determine an appropriate level. Simply place your phone in the crib and adjust the noise or sound machine accordingly.
The Marpac Dohm is a white noise machine that generates the noise with a motor. There is only one sound choice, which is a soothing sound of rushing air, or “shhhhhh” sound. The two motor speeds along with the ability to rotate openings in two spots allow you to adjust the tone and volume. The Dohm is the simplest, most easily adjusted white noise machine on the market. If you are hoping to block out a very loud, barking dog right outside the window, it simply won’t, unless it is above a safe volume. It does a fantastic job of safely masking distracting noises and providing a comforting environment.
The MyBaby SoundSpa is an excellent choice for a budget sound machine. The sounds are definitely different from the Dohm, but most babies don’t care. The MyBaby has a white noise option along with summer night, ocean, heartbeat, brook, and cradle; however, I will always encourage using the traditional white noise. These sounds are prerecorded. There is an option of a 15, 30, or 60 minute timer, but I recommend using the machine during naps and all night. At $25, it is a great value and small enough for travel.
The LectroFan is slightly smaller that the Dohm. It boasts 10 white noise sounds and 10 fan sounds. Unlike The controls are very easy to operate, and the volume can be adjusted far higher than any nursery would ever want. Again, 50 dB is our limit. The LectroFan has an optional sleep timer, but for our purposes, that’s not necessary. This is another fantastic choice and has a range of noises in case you prefer sound options.
If you feel like you’ve tried it all and are still at a loss, let’s set up a free 15-minute consultation. No question is too big or small and there may be a simple solution!
The holidays are officially here! If you've successfully gotten your baby on a schedule, you may be worried that they may regress with travel and a little upset to the routine. You desperately want to maintain sleep over the holidays.
You have good reason to be concerned!
Whether by car or plane, the travel and excitement paired with extra stimulation are the perfect combination to throw the hard work out with the turkey bones and wrapping paper.
The good news?
A little strategic planning will help you maintain your well-orchestrated routine whether at Memaw's or Aunt Sue's.
The two main obstacles in your little one's solid slumber are travel and family and friends.
Let's address travel first.
First, do yourself a favor and don't sleep train right before traveling. Now, if you've already started, don't worry! A trip shouldn't completely derail your progress if you can maintain some semblance of normalcy. Just be ready to rock and roll when you get home.
Driving to the turkey dinner destination?
Do everything you can to schedule your drive around your baby's first nap. While the car seat isn't ideal, it's a great substitute for no nap. The bonus? A little peace on the drive for that podcast you've been wanting to catch up on OR the absolute peace of silence.
Have a long drive?
Try to find something to stop and do mid-trip. It's great for everyone to move and get a little fresh air. It may take a little longer, but you may snag a second nap in the car which means you'll arrive a much happier, less stressed human.
Flying? Bless. Your. Heart!
My best piece of advice is to accept that planes and babies don't always get along. Some immediately fall asleep and some scream the entire time. However you little feels about the experience, own it. The dagger eyes from the row behind you may need some help in the compassion department, but that's not your job.
For toddlers and older children, I give you my permission to break out all the snacks. I LOVE Melissa and Doug "On the Go" coloring books, too. Of course, when all else fails, take out the phone.
Ok, back to sleep.
EVERYONE is excited.
EVERYONE wants to hold the baby.
EVERYONE wants to play with those cheeks and take a scrapbook's worth of pictures.
It is an absolute BLESSING to share life with family. The only problem with all the fun is that your baby will easily become overstimulated and potentially miss a nap. If you are off your schedule and arrive with an already tired baby, this is magnified.
So, mama, you must advocate for your child. It's FINE to take control and let everyone know that your baby needs a break, a nap, or that it's time for bed. You may have to explain that your baby becomes overstimulated and that it's hard to go to sleep in that condition. Your well-meaning matrons will understand.
Trust me when I say that every nap is important. One missed nap results in a rise in cortisol, which results in a domino effect of overtiredness and more missed sleep. Start strong on day one. You don't want the trip to be full of crankiness and crying that could have been prevented. Neither does your grandmother.
So, everyone is now on board and supporting your schedule.
How do you deal with the actual night part?
You and baby may be in the same room. No big deal! Except that it may be.
Your baby will know you are there! I know from experience that what will probably happen is that you will have an extra bed buddy. Those snuggles are wonderful until your baby falls in love with it and expects it when you get home.
Divide the room.
Do anything you can to place a barrier between you and your baby. Can you hang up a blanket, stack some boxes, have a portable clothes rack? It doesn't matter how beautiful it is. Room in the closet? Even better! It's dark and quiet, baby can't see you, and you can play on your phone without the light being an issue.
I know firsthand that grandparents HATE to hear your baby cry. Do everything you can to keep the peace and maintain healthy sleep for your baby. If you don't rock at home, don't rock. If you don't use a pacifier, don't start now.
Now, the not rocking part is probably as easy as having a kid hold open chocolate and not eat it. For many families, that's a losing battle. While the professional side of me says to stand firm, the mom side of me says to be so THANKFUL that you have a loving family. If YOU want to let someone rock your baby to sleep, DO IT. Just don’t let it become a habit and stick it in high gear when you get home.
I find that the biggest reason that parents give in is that they are simply embarrassed or intimidated. You may be a new parent. If so, it's common to feel quite small among the eyes of experience that are watching every move of your baby AND YOU.
Remember that your baby, family, and the health and well-being of both are important. While you may have someone tell you under their breath that your methods are a bit ridiculous, be confident that your cause is noble!
You are fighting for sleep! You are defending your baby who is too small to fight for him or herself. Superheros are often misunderstood and this could not be truer in motherhood.
You've got this, mama!
Hug your family hard. Good luck!
Fifteen years ago, I LOVED Daylight Saving. I was a college freshman, so it meant a much welcomed extra hour of sleep!
Now, as a parent and consultant I still highly value sleep, but the reality is that our babies don’t exactly appreciate that extra hour.
Unfortunately, however wonderful that sleep may sound, disrupting natural sleep cycles can have negative impacts on our health. Our diets, moods, productivity, and overall health can be compromised. Time changes are hard on adults and definitely hard on little ones who don’t understand what’s happening.
This year, Daylight Saving ends on November 4 and if you have little ones at home, they’ll be waking one hour early according to the new time. So, a baby that normally wakes at 6AM. will be bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5AM. Sounds like fun!
So, what’s the best way to handle it and can we make the transition smoother? YES!
Tip #1: Change your clocks on Sunday AFTER you wake.
Why? Seeing that earlier time just stinks! When you think you’re waking an hour earlier, it can lead to a negative start to your day. If you wake at your normal time, have some coffee, then realize you have an extra hour in your day, it’s not so bad.
Tip #2: Split the difference with the old and new time.
Essentially, take the time change slowly in your house. It can take our bodies a week or two to truly adjust. So based on the age of your children, follow the suggestion below that matches your kid(s) age:
School Age Children
For an older child who does not nap, you would put them to bed half an hour earlier than normal. This means If bedtime is 7:30PM, they’ll go to bed at 7:00PM on Sunday night.
After three nights have passed, you will move bedtime back to the original time. Your child will now be back to the normal 7:30 bedtime by Wednesday night!
If you have a toddler or child on one nap, you will put them down for their nap 30 minutes earlier than normal. So, if nap is normally at 12:00PM, you would put them down at 11:30PM for three days starting on Sunday.
The same is true for bedtime. If bedtime is normally 7:00PM, you will put them to bed at 6:30PM for three days. By Wednesday, naps and bedtime will be back to normal at 12:00PM and 7:00PM, or whatever your normal routine times may be.
If your baby’s naps and bedtimes are more predictable and established (normally around 7 months), you will move bedtimes and naps in 15 minute increments. If your child naps at 9:00AM, Day 1 naptime (Sunday) would be at 8:15AM, Day 2 would be at 8:30AM, Day 3 would be at 8:45AM, and Day 4 would be back to 9:00AM.
Bedtimes would change in the same way. A normal bedtime of 7:00PM would change to 6:15PM, 6:30PM, 6:45PM and then back to 7:00PM on Day 4.
If your child wakes early, do not rush in as soon as you hear them waking up. Help your child’s body understand that it isn’t morning yet by keeping him in his crib in the dark room until the normal wake time.
If naps and bedtimes are NOT predictable (0-6 months old), go ahead and adjust immediately. Use appropriate awake times as your guide for nap and nights. If you need help determining an appropriate wake time for your baby, you can access my 3-6 Months Sleep Guide.
Note for Toddlers/School-Aged Children
If your child relies on a clock to know when morning has arrived, set the clock a half hour ahead of the new time. It will then read 7:00AM instead of 6:30AM. They will be waking earlier than normal, but your child will adjust with time (generally around a week or two).
Most children adjust within the first week; however, it is not abnormal for some to take up to a month. Being as consistent as possible with bedtimes and naps helps.
Is your little one having trouble sleeping and it has nothing to do with the time change?
I’ve been there before and I’d love to help change that!
Book a FREE 15-minute consultation with me today.
There’s something about Halloween that brings out the kid in us. It’s simply a fun time of dressing up and being playful. Plus, there’s candy involved!
I’m sure our dentists cringe at the thought of candy lying around and being constantly snacked on for days or weeks. We know the sugar isn’t good for our teeth, our kids’ teeth, or any of our bodies, but boy does it taste so good! Plus, there is some serious bribery power in all of that candy.
In the midst of enjoying the candy corn, Blow Pops, Tootsie Rolls and such, we often overlook the effect it can have on sleep. Don’t worry. I’m not going to suggest that you put down your favorite candy or ask you to deprive your child of the trick or treating awesomeness! What I would ask you to keep in mind is that the sugar does inhibit quality sleep. Here are three reasons why:
Now, am I saying that Halloween candy will ruin your child’s sleep forever? Absolutely not. I would just suggest that you be mindful of this when your child asks repeatedly for candy, a sugary drink, or snack over the course of the holidays. The effect of sugar adds up over time, to the detriment of our health, our teeth and our sleep..
I suggest choosing a time (not too close to bedtime) that they can enjoy a treat or two, depending on its size and nutrition quality. And while you’re at it, consider checking the labels on foods your children eat on a day to day basis, too! One Pop-Tarts pastry packs a lot of sugar at 16.5 grams and only one gram of fiber. That’s the same amount of sugar as 21 pieces of candy corn, so keep an eye on the pantry products year round and save sugar treats for exactly that - a special treat that’s occasionally enjoyed.
If you and your child are already getting quality sleep, you’ll be happy to know that it actually helps you choose healthier, less sugary foods so a good and healthy cycle can continue! Aren’t our bodies amazing? With the holiday season just about to start up, consider the impact of keeping sleep a priority for your entire home. Everyone will feel better and you can enjoy the holidays even more!
As always, if your home is NOT getting the quality rest you deserve, I’d love to help.
Schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation now.
Two questions often dominate any conversation with toddler parents concerning sleep:
When do we transfer to a big-kid bed? This question is then immediately followed by:
How do we move them to a big-kid bed?
If I had to guess, you're probably wondering because A) your kid sleeps excellently, and you don't want to ruin it or B) your kid doesn't sleep well, and you may be hoping that a new bed will do the trick.
If you most relate to choice "B," then my answer to "When?" is NOT NOW.
Fortunately, there is just no reason to rush to get your toddler out of their crib (unless you are expecting, of course). I know what you're thinking… What on earth will people think if I have a three-year-old in the crib? As a parent who's received that look, I know! Trust me though.
Don't be afraid that longer your child is in a crib, they more attached they will be. It's not any harder to transition at a later age. I think it's just the opposite, much easier. I would prefer to make a big transition with a child who can communicate at least SLIGHTLY effectively. If possible, wait until they can comprehend what is about to happen and why and then use their language to repeat it. In my experience, children can begin to do this around three years old.
Also, if you're about to start sleep training, take it slowly and keep the crib for now. Significant changes are hard for little people, so start from a place of comfort and familiarity. Once your child learns to sleep well, those skills will transfer to the new bed or space. Also, since we are talking about toddlers, it is safe to mention that these major changes are easier when they aren't cranky. If your toddler is sleep deprived now, changing everything about their sleep environment at once will only make things worse. Tired toddlers aren't exactly fun. A now cranky toddler who doesn't want to sleep in the new princess or superhero bed will only result in misery for all involved.
So, what if they ARE sleeping well or you need the crib for a sibling?
Step number one is preparation. Talk to your toddler. Okay, TRY to talk to your toddler. Surprises aren't fun unless ice cream or toys are involved, so keep them in the loop. And, why not include some ice cream? Have a treat and talk about what's going on. Keep the chat short and straightforward though. Too many details or too much chatter will only bring stress.
When it's time to make the trip to pick out a bed, hardware, or bedding, take your toddler. It can be a special outing. Maybe they like specific sheets or pillows. We all know toddlers want to be independent creatures, so anything that MIGHT please you both is worth letting them choose. It definitely helps if they are exciting to sleep with Fancy Nancy or the Paw Patrol.
Having your little around for the big assembly may sound like fun, but I might consider an equally entertaining alternative to distract them. When arranging the room to accommodate the bed, keep the changes as minimal as possible.
Speaking of change, try to keep things the same for night time routine. Yes, your kiddo will be excited (or maybe not) about the new bed. But, consistency with their routine is paramount. No new food, no extra treats, no extra chat about the bed. While statements about being a "big girl" or "big boy" are tempting, resist the urge. Toddlers want to grow up one minute and be a baby the next. They aren't quite sure what they are, but we already knew that.
So now that your toddler's in bed and the light's off, there are a few different scenarios that can play out.
So, what's a parent to do? In either of the latter situations, offer a warning, let them know the consequence, then follow through if, and when it's needed.
By now, you've probably already found your "go to" successful consequence. Keep that in place! If you haven't found something that works, I find that closing the door, taking a lovie away, or removing a nightlight for a few moments tend to do the trick.
Each time you hear another call or see their sweet face, increase the time of the consequence. Lovie can stay out a little longer and longer.
Now, mama, if you're holding on to the crib because it's the final "baby" item you still use, I can relate. I'm currently in denial that my babies are aging at all. I can assure you that when the time comes for us, I'll be sipping wine in another room and let my husband disassemble our crib. But if you are afraid of the change, don't be.
Talk to your toddler, explaining things on their terms in a light and simple way. Set the expectations for the nights and enforce the rules. If you didn't have ice cream before, go now. Everyone deserves it, especially you, mama!
Now, we both know that the chances are that your toddler is going to test the waters. Toddlers are crafty and inquisitive. So, what's my biggest piece of advice? Stay firm. Now is not the time to allow bending of the rules. I cannot stress the important of consistency enough. My second biggest piece of advice? CELEBRATE! Let your kiddo know that when they stay in bed all night that you'll celebrate the next day. I'm not a major fan of bribery (not that I haven't done it!), but I love to celebrate. Put a candle in the muffin or sprinkles in the pancakes. Head to Dunkin. It doesn't matter what it is but make it special. Then celebrate after a few more days. Have some fireworks left over? Use them! We want our children to make good choices, and this is a perfect opportunity for them to celebrate and be proud.
Now, if your toddler isn't sleeping well in the crib, or if the big-kid transition isn't going so well, I can help! Schedule a FREE 15-minute call, and we'll have you celebrating in no time.
Tired of doubting awake times, nap times, or bedtimes?
Sweet Home Sleep Solutions
If you are reading this in the wee hours of the morning and feeling like you are on your last leg, I know how you feel! We love our children, but so desperately need rest, too. I can truly say that I know what it’s like to have tried everything possible and still be up at night... Learn more about how I can help.